For all of you non-moms

Discussion in 'The Loafing Shed' started by PT, Oct 15, 2008.

  1. PT

    PT New Member

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    First, please don't judge the type of person I am for my feelings...

    Any and all can give their two cents here, btw...

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    For those of you that don't have kids, and more than likely won't, how did you come to your decision? Did/do you regret your decision? How old where you when you knew kids weren't going to heppen?

    Reason I'm asking, at this point in my life, I don't want children, and I don't see that changing in the future. I've teetered on the edge of longing for parenthood, but always took a step or two back before falling off of that ledge, and it's usually from being around children/babies that makes me take that step back. I have NO maternal instincts, NONE. A friend told me last night that he thinks I should "get hormone shots or something", because crying babies/children don't affect me besides to annoy me. The only reason I've thought about becoming a parent, is because I know how bad my parents would love to be grandparents, and I don't to be old and grey, and all alone. Selfish and unselfish reasons at the same time. My partner doesn't want kids (at least not now) for his own reasons.

    I'm going to be 25 soon, and feel that I'm starting to get close to that make or break decision. There's a fork in my life road right now, and I guess I'm trying to figure which way to go....
     
  2. CBaut

    CBaut New Member

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    Well, as far as age....

    My neighbor's daughter just turned a year old. She (neighbor) is 38.

    There's no "age cut off" that you need to meet, unless it's a personal one.
     

  3. snaffle

    snaffle Guest

    hope you dont mind me giving my thoughts...
    I have 3 kids.

    I was worried because I didnt have maternal instincts either!! In fact, any time I held a baby it cried!! I couldnt stand the idea of changing a poopie diaper :p

    It takes a different route when it is your own baby.
    I could comfort my babies.. and it didnt bother me (as much) to change their diapers.

    Now my kids are grown and gone from home...
    (I MISS them!!)

    and if I hold a baby and it starts to cry.. I hand it back to the mom cause I can not comfort it.. and I dont ever volunteer to change their diapers :p

    To me.. in my life.. I will never regret not having my children. I would have regretted not having them. Those days they were in my home were the best years of my life.

    To be 25... and feeling you must make a decision...
    you are young.. women are often making the decision to have their first when they are close to 40...
     
  4. MyTeDun

    MyTeDun Senior Member

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    You're a long way off from the age breaking point.

    Give it time, if its going to happen it will. Not everyone has to give birth to be a good person~

    I have plenty of friends that made that decision and they are content with their decision
     
  5. desederada

    desederada New Member

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    I had one at 24 and one at 34. Alot of people don't have children until they are in their 30's and now even in their 40's. I wouldn't give it another thought right now you have plenty of time to decide. I personally would have waited to have them both in my 30's if given a chance to do it over.
     
  6. Brilliance

    Brilliance New Member

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    I soooo felt the same way that you did. I even found out at 26ish that it is HUGELY unlikely that I will ever be able to concieve much less carry to term. I was really ok with that. However, now that I have a better job, mmy life is more organized, and I am in a relationship thingy I am panging for the ability to have a child. I really wish that I could! So even though there are alot of times that I THANK GOD I dont have any kids . . .there is a flip side too.
     
  7. Shadimac

    Shadimac New Member

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    I'm 26, and don't really see any kids in my future. I'm perfectly fine with just being an Auntie for the rest of my life. My animals are my kids, and really I am too selfish I think to have kids. I don't want to give up the riding time I would have to in order to have kids, and my life is chaotic enough without revolving my life around them. I think kids are great, but I am fully aware how how much work and how time consuming they are, and I know I am not ready for that, and am not sure I will ever be. People say that I'm young and I'll change my mind. . .but. . .I kind of don't see that happening.

    Also, IF, I ever did have kids, I think I'd like to adopt. 1. There are too many people in the world as it is. 2. 9 months is waaaaaay too long to put up with what pregnant women put up with. 3. OUCH! :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
     
  8. PT

    PT New Member

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    Brilliance, I'm sorry to hear that.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Another thing about myself, is I know I won't make a good mother. I can be quite selfish, and I have no patience, none. I have more empathy for animals than humans. I never have the urge to comfort, rather that be a baby or child. Being around children, especially on my own makes me very uncomfortable, and babies.. forget it.

    Oi, I'm not a bad person, I think I skipped the "urge/ability/want to breed" section of my assembly line. ::)
     
  9. Shannon

    Shannon New Member

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    PT, im about 27, and I have NEVER in my adult life wanted kids. Amazingly, I met another who also had NO DESIRE to have kids.

    Why dont I want kids, I am not actually sure. Even as a teenager, I HATED babysitting. I had a few families I sat for, but by the time I was 14, I no longer accepted the jobs. I really "dont like" little kids (teenagers are ok!). I dont like being around them, I dont have a desire to hold or coddle them, and although I get some joy watching my nieces and nephew open their presents, Its done in a matter of minutes, and I have had enough.
    My nieces are 3 & 4 and I have never babysat. I actually told my sister not to ask me. She did a couple of times, but soon realized I was not kidding. My brother never bothered to ask me :D
    Although, in a family crisis last year, I baby sat my 6 mo. old nephew and 3 1/2 year old niece for an hour, so I am not just cruel and heartless... but THANKFULLY, hubby was there to "save me" after 20 minutes. Also, reminded me very well I didn't want kids.

    I also have little experiance with kids. I was the youngest of three, and one of the youngest even of my cousins. I am not sure if that is the reason I am so uncomfortable with little kids or not? I had a GREAT childhood, caring parents, lots of friends, lots of activities, etc... so thats not a reason (some say people who had bad childhoods go to one extreme or the other- want a lot of kids to make up for their bad childhood or no kids).

    I remember everyone telling me I would change my mind when I was 25. Well, I think I even more stongly dont want kids now, at 27.

    As for the Hubby, he gives interesting reasons for not wanting kids, such as too selfish (which is so not true, he is really considerate and giving!). So, in reality, I am not sure why he doesnt truly want kids. He is GREAT with kids, all ages. They love him, and he will play for HOURS with them (Its actually pretty funny). He is the oldest of 4 boys, and much older, his youngest brother was born when he was 15, so J has nots of baby experiance. Just definitive that he doesnt want kids.

    My parents finally stopped asking when they were going to get another grandchild too ;D

    We, together, watched many of our friends and family get married, an d havehave kids. Still didn't change our minds. It did make us have to get new friends (not that we dont talk to those who have kids, its just that their life has changed), which wasn't an issue ;D actually a blessing, as we have a GREAT group of friends.

    So, after 11 years together, we still dont want kids, and will never have any as long as we are both together.
     
  10. CBaut

    CBaut New Member

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    PT, that was me. I liked MY time... to ride, go out, etc. I liked to spend my money on what I wanted.
    I didn't like kids at all....hell, I still don't. But, I love mine.

    I can't really explain it. Once/if you do decide to have a baby, the feeling that comes along with it is indescribable. That is your flesh and blood and he/she will pull rank over everything else and you won't even notice it happening. Your comfort/mommy skills will automatically kick in. Trust me. I wouldn't worry about that part of it.

    Would I like more "me" time? Absolutely. And I will, when my kids are grown. For now, I'm enjoying being with my little mini me's.

    Like I said, you have plenty of time.
     
  11. jjones

    jjones New Member

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    Honestly your still young PT and your decision now could change in time.... Your a young spring chicken so if you don't want kids now and decide to have kids later you will be just fine-you have plenty of time!!! Whatever you decide just make sure YOUR happy with the decision.
     
  12. Brilliance

    Brilliance New Member

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    WOW I am right in line with you on the not being maternal or tolerant or any of those things . . .when I was working in the ER I would barter my way out of any peds case I could. I am incredibly selfish also. I think recognizing that I am not a good mom candidate is not being selfish. I have a mother who told my sister and I that we ruined her life and she never wanted to have kids in the first place . . . .not my fault at all but i am sure hearing that has in some way affected me (Shannon insert comment here).

    I think most of my wanting to have kids comes from being told that I can't. I hate being told I can't do something.
     
  13. mrponies

    mrponies New Member

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    Both my husband and I have no desire for human children. Both of us had an older sibling experience pregnancy while in high school and out of wedlock. Not that you have to be married to have children, but both of our siblings immediately got married because the parents demanded it and it has been a rough and rocky road for both couples. They both are still together, but there is a lot of unhappiness in my sister's marriage. A lot of money troubles, she has a lot of issues with her kids, just so much that could have been avoided (in my opinion) by a carefully planned pregnancy.

    I can't vouch for my brother-in-law.

    I didn't grow up in the best environment...I have a lot of anger issues and now have been diagnosed with pretty severe anxiety. I function to take care of myself and that's it. I would never dream of bringing a child into this world and putting them through any kind of bad experience. Until I can grow up and be a big girl...I'm never considering having children. I don't want to be responsible for my children having to go through what I did.
     
  14. Imzadi

    Imzadi New Member

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    Ok a mommy here...to a 3+ year old little boy, 7 horses, 5 cats, 3 large dogs, and 6 boarded horses. I have to say that I never grew up wanting to have children. My husband and I had agreed to a family with 2 children, and on my 29th b-day along came Tyler. I waited until I was 28 to get pregnant because I felt that I was too selfish to be a mom any earlier. My son is the love of my life, and I can't imagine/remember life without him (except remembering sleeping in, and more riding time ;)). I think that I am a good mom, but I didn't love the first year. I am someone who has never liked babies...ever! I still cringe when I hear one cry, and am the first to want to leave a restaurant if there happens to be rude children present. I love my little guy though, because he is mine.... he is sweet, smart, challenging, polite(has been saying please, thank you, and your welcome since he was 2), giving, and a wonder each and everday. I enjoy MY child, and we will see if there is a 2nd in our future...am enjoying my riding time way too much right now!!!
    If and when it is ever the right time for you, you will know. Don't be in a hurry, you have plenty of time to figure out the rest of your life!!!
     
  15. darkhorse

    darkhorse New Member

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    PT - I am 34 and don't want kids for many of the same reasons you listed. I have NO mommy instincts at all. Zero. In fact thinking about having a kid makes me feel like I'm going to get physically ill. Other women do not understand me. "Isn't that a cute baby?" No. It's just a baby. "Wanna hold the baby?" No. In fact I'd like you to get it away from me. Kids are stinky, sticky, ask too many questions, and would demand too much of my time and money. I want to spend all my money on me. I want to spend my time the way I want.
    Christ, sometimes I come home from work and have a glass of wine and some popcorn for dinner. Other times, I am so tired, I just go to bed because I figure I will forget about being hungry, and get much needed sleep at the same time. Kill 2 birds with one stone. Couldn't do that with kiddos around.
    I have known this about myself for a long time. I think I will be an awesome aunt when my siblings have kids one day, but mommyhood is not for me. (Plus I tend to scare children, just ask cbaut's son.)
     
  16. PT

    PT New Member

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    OMG, get out of my head!! LOL :D
     
  17. Shannon

    Shannon New Member

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    I am so with you there its not even funny. I dont get the "draw" to a lady with a baby in public places, like the baby is some rare commodity everyone has to see, feel, hold it...


    Brilliance- I cant comment, I am not qualified and no expertise there.
     
  18. Brilliance

    Brilliance New Member

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    Uggg I hate it when someone at work brings in the new thing they just popped out and expect everyone to ohhh and ahhhh about it. Bleeehhhhhhh
     
  19. burgie

    burgie New Member

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    URGH!
    This is a sore spot for me.
    I have had family members and a few "friends" tell me I am unnatural because I don't want to have kids.

    You don't have to have kids in order to have a fulfilling and meaningful life.

    On occasion, my ovaries twang and I stop to consider it...a half an hour later I am back to the no kids train of thought.
    That said, I have an unofficial nephew who I love to pieces and is an incredibly important part of my life. I am proud to be his Auntie.
    That is enough for me, and I feel that it always will be. Same thing with my hubby.
    I am with Darkhorse - she was in my head too!
     
  20. CBaut

    CBaut New Member

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    He's leery of you b/c you "steal" his things!