husbands/going out late/etc.

Discussion in 'The Loafing Shed' started by TwistedWire, Feb 2, 2009.

  1. TwistedWire

    TwistedWire Guest

    Before I go into detail, I understand that some people's lifestyles involve frequently going out...or not frequently going out, but making it count when they do.

    OURS, however, involves being in bed early, and when we do go out-weddings, etc., we're usually home by 10. He always whines about being old and tired. We talked a while back about 'permission' to go out-I had said I don't care if he does on occasion, but I wouldn't want him to be out at crazy times like 2. He seemed thrilled with that and mentioned he wouldn't need to be out that late anyway.

    Fast forward a couple years.

    He goes to a poker/superbowl party last night (a work night, mind you) in Rockfard...we live close to Princeton. He came home at 2:45!!! And, he was the one that DROVE, so he had control of when he'd be home.

    I can't sleep when I'm waiting for him to come home-it's not that I don't try, but I can't fall asleep.

    Of course I drug all day today, exhausted.

    How would you all have reacted?
  2. Daretodream

    Daretodream New Member

    That is a tough one. I would try not to make too much of an issue of it as long as it does not become habit forming. My husband is a homebody and never wants to do anything with friends period, so I am probably not the best to give advice since I am not dealing with the same issue currently. As long as he did not come home intoxicated or wanting to pick a fight I'd just let it go this time. I prefer to pick my battles and that one time would not be enough to flip me out. Now if I had been calling him for since 11:00pm because I was worried and got no answer etc, then I'd be p'od. Was he with a group? If he was not alone somebody was probably having a good time and he did not want to be a party pooper. Does not mean it would not be frustrating to you tho. :slapfight:

  3. Joie

    Joie New Member

    I would have been thrilled! As long as he had his cell phone on him and let me know he was safe, I would have been happy he actually went somewhere besides work or to the grocery store or to take a kid to a sporting or school event.

    Mainly, I would have been happy to not have to sneak around and lie to him about when *I* go out. I sometimes will go out when I am away for the weekend (at "home" in Plainfield.) I went out Saturday with my friend Staci who I've known since 2nd grade. I wanted to tell him how much fun I had (talked, laughed, danced (and drank a wee bit) until 2:30 AM and then went to Steak and Shake for "dinner"). It was SO much fun to hang out with a girlfriend for once without any worries and come home at 4 AM. The only crappy think is feeling like I am a "bad girl" for actually enjoying being a human being occasionally..not "just" a wife, or a mom, or a sister, or a teacher...but actually just a normal, fat, old woman who likes to dance.

    Guess I have a biased, and selfish opinion. But, well, there it be.
  4. darkhorse

    darkhorse New Member

    I live with my boyfriend, and we have a very close relationship. That being said, I encourage him to go out with the guys. I don't care when he comes home so long as he is responsible and not drinking and driving. The latest he's stayed out is 3 am and that's when his buddy was here from Philly. They went to dinner and then to the casino in Joliet (about 30 minutes from here.) He kept me posted on his E.T.A. and I had no problem with it. He and my bro are good friends and go out till 12 or 1 every few weeks. I'm fine with it.
    He also encourages girl's nights out for me and my friends. He never gets upset about when I get home (usually between midnight and 2am,) which is great.
    I think it keeps our relationship healthy.
  5. Angellou

    Angellou Senior Member

    Fast forward 22 years of marriage later and you will go on vacations without each other. My hubby goes fishing with his buddies for a few days or as much as a week and I can go where I want with my sister. We trust each other and we are each better after having some time away. I would not be as comfortable if he was going to a bar until all hours with his friends on a regular basis.
  6. snaffle

    snaffle Guest

    Isn't it amazing how things change over the course of many years of marriage!! ;)

    I dont feel that a spouse needs to be out partying till all hours of the morning ..
    during those earliest years of marriage...
    it just doesnt make much sense.

    Especially when a man has as many business responsibilities as twisted's husband.

    Actually that young man has shown a lot of maturity over the past years and has stopped doing so many 'stewpid' things that the youngsters do.

    I betcha it will be a long time before he stays out that late again. From what I have learned about poker games.. it is easy to get wrapped up in the game.. and not realize how much time is going by.
  7. Imzadi

    Imzadi New Member

    My husband's birthday and Christmas present this year (a Christmas baby) was a trip with the boys to Vegas....he leaves this Friday! ;D
  8. Tbitt

    Tbitt Most beloved member of MW

    You are still newly married. It is something to get used to, sleeping alone, your man being out late, figuring out how responsible they are without you............

    Just make sure he knows that you worry about him and that you'd at least like a note (I LOVE text messaging) saying you are ok. He doesn't need to be up your butt about it............just a quick "I'm playing poker, will be home later"...........and then a note when they are on their way home. I make my children do this - but I don't EVER allow them to break their set curfew (I set it according to what they are doing, who they are with and where they are going). Your husband is a grown man and doesn't need a mom, just a caring, respectful companion.

    Also ask him, if he is to EVER give you a time that he says he will be home...........STICK to it. Nothing worse then being prepared for him to come home and he doesn't - all kinds of things go through your head, most of them bad..........

    All the things you ask him to be respectful of - you yourself MUST also follow..........

    But, like Joie said, it is GREAT to get out and just be yourself every now and then. It is kind of a "refresh" for yourself.

    I know what you are going through, it takes time. But definitely don't make a big deal out of it if it is only once in a great while. You don't want him to have to feel like he has to lie to you............bad bad bad and can only lead to worse worse worse..............

    Just make sure you can talk to him about how you worry...........and how you can't sleep.........If he understands how it effects you and that you have to get used to it..........he should be respectful in how he responds!

    It gets better! Hang in there!
  9. AppyGSP

    AppyGSP Senior Member

    We are married 16 years and my hubby NEEDS to go out more and make some friends and fishing buddies...I would appreciate his company more if we weren't always together. I go trail riding as much as possible during the warmer months to have my time away from him and to be with my friends, but he needs to have more fun. I too would not like if he went to a bar OFTEN, but he doesn't like bars anyway...kinda wish he did because I'd like to go out at night more often. ;)
  10. TwistedWire

    TwistedWire Guest

    ;D We already take separate trips!

    Honestly I don't mind when he goes out-it just bugged me that I had to get up at 5 that morning. :/ I've told him before that it'd be easier for me if he crashed at his Dad's on those nights but he doesn't think that's necessary.

    It's not that he wakes me up when he comes's that I just can't sleep-I lay there hearing every sound and it always sounds like his truck and it drives me nuts. Sleeping pills don't even help. :p
  11. Shadow

    Shadow New Member

    we been married too long...we never go out..ever!!! the rat bastard...( ;D just kidding) WE had our 25th wedding ann.last would think I would get dinner out, flowers, a card, ...NOTHING !!! ( can ya tell I am still pissed off ) so IF my hubby wanted to go out...I would be opening the door for him...I wish he would go out with his buddies..loosen up, have fun, get crazy, hell , get drunk!!! But he is NOT a socail creature..he hates bars, he says it is cheaper to stay home to drink..on alot of different levels. He doesn'tlike the stupid drunks, sitting on the same bar stools telling the same stupid stories they told 20 yrs ago..HE is a loner..always has been, always will be...
  12. JenR

    JenR Formerly Underworld Queen

    If he just did it this one time, then I would let it go. Everyone needs to blow off some steam. Now, if he started making a regular habit of it -- then it's time to confront him about it; or if he starts making a regular habit of coming home three sheets to the wind or something like that. But one night out -- meh, imho don't stress over it; pick your battles wisely.

    If you have trouble falling to sleep when he's not around, then maybe look at why you do -- do you worry? is it a control thing? As the song says: "Hold on loosely" -- if you're worried about him, then tell him you worry and would appreciate if there was any trouble he would call you (but don't ask him to check in with you -- you're his wife, not his mother, and he's an adult); realize that no amount of your concern will protect him from the big wide world, so put fate where it belongs -- in the hands of the Creator. Time to just let it go, trust in fate, and relax

    And you should go out sometimes too -- it's good for ya ;)
  13. DENNIS

    DENNIS Member

    I usually dont go out with the boys but if my wife wants to go out with her friends that is fine. We have one rule that you will call when you start home so that we know you are on the way and are safe. We dont set any curfew or anything like that but just lets us know we are ok. I got tired of late hours when I was working so no fun any more.
  14. paige

    paige New Member

    What a coincidence--I am going to Vegas on Thursday for a girl's trip. I go on lots of girl trips and sometimes they are big ones out of the country. The husband plays boy games too--in March he is skiing in Colorado with about 15 guys, and he often takes a mountain biking trip to Utah or elsewhere

    It is definitely something you get over when you have been together a long time. Its not about responsibilities either- you would be hard pressed to find a couple with as many obligations and pressures as we have---and while we love going on trips together, doing this as well lets us both get some time to blow off steam
  15. Imzadi

    Imzadi New Member

    If you see a Filipino man who happens to be 33 years old, about 5'6" in height .....misbehaving, please tell him that his wife Imzadi ;) would not approve!!! >:D He is staying at the Hilton and comes home on Sun night. I hope you have fun and win big!!! ;D
  16. paige

    paige New Member

    I will keep the ol eyes peeled--we are staying at THEhotel.

    God willing, I will not be winning or losing. My little blackjack problem is the only vice I have ever kicked, and I will try my damnedest to not sit down at the first table.

    Now the clubs are a different story--we have VIP tables booked all over, so I suspect I will dump a fair amount of money I could gamble on bottles instead.

    I come home Sunday too
  17. cherokee

    cherokee New Member

    Fast forward almost seventeen years later; I go to Mosouri with out him for ten days,
    daughter and I go to MI for a week, he stays home, Occasionally out of the blue
    he leaves on a friday night to go to a friends in Indiana and comes home on sunday evening.
    We both say "I love you, have a good time and drive carefull." we do talk to one another
    while away but just briefly.

    This Sat. Daughter and I are headed to Janesville to a friends house then off to Madison
    sat night for the Rascal Flatts concert at the Kohl center then back to Janesville and
    home sometime on sunday. Hubby says have a good time.
  18. WindyKnollFarm

    WindyKnollFarm New Member

    After 28 years, we don't regularly call when one of us is away.... in our family, no news is good news. ;)