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Outside on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
We all ran outdoors yelling, "Hey! Whatsa matter?"
A naked man stood there - could he be any fatter?
"They stole my dang sleigh!" was his unlikely patter.

We looked at each other, surprise in our eyes;
Could this be Saint Nick? Oh boy! What a prize!
"Where are the presents?" we cried out in greed.
"They took everything! A dastardly deed!"

This couldn't be Santa, this big naked clown;
Santa would never end up on the ground.
Santa would be up there flying around;
This guy belonged in a hospital gown.

"Now easy, old timer," we said with great care;
"You just rest quietly; we'll call Medicare."
"I'm not crazy, you morons!" and did his eyes glare!
His belly was shaking and I felt a bit scared.

"Maybe he tells the truth," said small Tiny Tim.
"I saw Santa at the mall and he does look like him,
And look how his skin is so pale and so white;
That's because way up North there is six months of night."

"What about those hairs on his legs?" said Huckleberry Finn;
"And yet there are none growing out of his chin."
"You're right!" said Tom Sawyer. "Where is his beard?"
"Uh-oh!" said Tiny. "This guy is too weird."

"Now look, kids," said Santa. "I know it looks funny;
But what if I gave all you boys some money?"
"Money?" said Tom. "But the thief took your clothes;
Did you hide your money in your big shiny nose?"

"Ho! Ho!" laughed nude Santa, "It's not in my nose!"
And he stood up real tall on his fat tippytoes.
Then he squatted down fast and grunted real hard -
And there was some cash lying there in the yard.

"Wow! It's like magic!" said naive Tiny Tim;
"No it ain't," said Tom Sawyer," I know where that's been."
"Now, don't worry," said Santa. "It was wrapped in wax paper,
Then rolled up real tight with a twist and a taper.

I slipped it in neat and the thief never knew it;
He strip-searched me, yes, but still he blew it.
He just was too squeamish to go all the way up;
His negligence proves now to be your good luck!"

Tom Sawyer raised eyebrows at that "good luck" remark.
"Old Man, do you think I am blind in the dark?
Nobody wants dollars that were stuffed in your crack;
You might as well take them and put them right back!"

"Now hold on!" said Huck. "Don't be hasty there, Tom.
Maybe we can clean them... Don't be so alarmed."
But Tom looked at Huck like Huck had gone crazy,
Then Bobby spoke up with his words soft and lazy:

"Money is dirty, the root of all evil;
It's a cursed thang, just like the boll weevil."
"Oh shut up, Bobby, you dumb cottonpicker!
Between you and Huck, I don't know which is the sicker."

"How about you, Tiny Tim, which side are you on?
Should we pick up the money, or leave it alone?"
"Ooo it's just too disgusting - I can't touch that money;
It may have been wrapped, but it smells kind of funny."

"All right," said Tom, "Tiny Tim has now spoken.
We agree both to shun the disagreeable token
That nude Santa offered to purchase our help."
But Santa was angry - "Hold on, you young whelp!"

Santa was furious; his face was not merry;
His nose was inflamed like a bright little cherry.
His belly was shaking like a bowl full of jelly,
Not to mention the parts never shown on the telly.

"Hear now my curse!" he roared with a bellow,
But a new voice spoke up "What's the trouble old fellow?"
A kindly policeman had arrived on the scene
And sized it up quickly if you see what I mean.

But Santa surrendered without a big fight;
They covered his nude with a straightjacket white.
The boys heard him howl as he rode out of sight
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"